Self Loathing

So, how do I make it through the days because some days it just seems like I can't really do it any more? I sit in a cubicle all day making other people's life worse off than it already it is. I mean I am working these cases now with these illegal immigrants and feel like such a shit for making their life just a little bit harder because all they want is to make their life better and have it a little better than they did. Yeah, sure they are illegal, but damn look at the shithole country they come from. I mean my people ran away from a country where some English bastards were trying to exterminate them and their kind and when they got here no one said, "Hey you don't have the right papers." They just blended in and moved across the country and now here we are in Texas which is where a lot seem to end up (either here or California or New Orleans). Sure they dealt with some shit being called dirty mics or krauts or papists but there were no laws or government agents trying to get rid of them. I remember hearing a story by Brian Cox on Dinner for Five about how Spencer Tracy would just get so completely blitzed and they would find him in these bathrooms in bars just hating himself for not having a real job and being such a bastard and that is how I feel. It's bad when you know it's a good thing you can't afford the bourbon because I know one taste and it would set me over (I look at my kid and tell him he's fucked cause he is the fourth generation drunk and that Indian blood ain't gonna help things). So what am I supposed to be doing? How do I make things better? Do I just raise the kid right and hope he gets that double major in philosophy and physics and then starts a revolution and reboots things? Am I supposed to be a Jesuit in some far off land bringing the word to all the people? I feel so wracked with guilt everyday knowing my big brother is in some shithole, assbackwards country with Johnny Muhhammed trying to shove a rocket up his ass because we try and bring a little education and democracy to the world.

So what the fuck do I do ? Cause I don't know how to raise him without him being completely loyal to everything around him. I don't know how to teach them that it is okay not to sacrifice all for The Family and that his wishes and dreams and hopes are important. It is ok to be selfish and to go out there and make the world your own. But just saying that fills up the Catholic guilt meter and again I am lost and wanting to dive into the yellow Tail Shiraz which sits on the counter in the kitchen right around the corner.



It is something I just can't get for really anything these days. Everytime I get excited about something, another thing gets in the way.

I can't even get excited for the new television season. I think I would rather spend my nights watching nerd tv or reading books. The only night of television I look forward to is Friday night's on BBCAmerica when they show The Avengers, The Saint, and The Prisoner.


Gotta keep on moving

Making this more of a journal and writing site. Hope no one minds. Don't really care if you do.

Sippy is scooting like a mad man now. He scooted throught out the house today. His knees are completely red. They are going to think we are abusing him at day care.

State lost to Maine 9-6. Please god give Croom some talent to work with.


State Won

State won and I am still faster at updating than CagerMania. Not sure I have anythign to say tonight, but I still felt the need to update just so this thing doesn't get stale. Who knows. Maybe I can use this as an outlet for pure writing and journaling since I doubt anyone will be reading two blogs from me.



Let's see if this works.